Sex
From 303dia
Contents |
What is sex?
Sex is a made-up interaction between males and females made by daddies and mummies in order to cover up the real way little boys and girls are made. The real way boys and girls are made is via the processes of Adoption. In actual fact every child is put up for adoption on eBay where anyone can purchase their very own baby boy/girl. The babies are created on a far off planet by the Galactic Emporer Xenu, over 70 million years ago by L Ron Hubard and his Scientology followers. On his planet, next to the Pringles factory, each is individualy wrapped and all air is sucked out of the container - for the hell of it, so that when the packet opens it goes "pop" (complementary Pringle crisp included). After packing, the baby is then sent via the local 1337 bus down to earth where it is given to the parent and then popped open and used. So you see little children, you are all adopted, and your parents lie.
Warning!!!
Do not have sex if operating heavy machinery or any other vehicle that you need a penis to operate. Also, please disregard everything stated in this article. (including this) It was all written by nerds and government workers. The nerds know nothing about it and the government wants to keep it that way.
Sex And You
You will not get sex. Ever. You will try your entire life to get some hint of what actual sex really is, but will fail miserably. All of your friends will have sex, and later brag to you about how awesome it was. Many of your girlfriends will give the impression that they want to have sex, but when you lean in on them, they'll change their minds at the last minute. It is possible that you think you are getting sex, but trust me, that's not sex. If you're gay, you will get stuck with the small percentage of celibate gay men known as boyfriends. If you're a girl, you will get and have sex whenever and wherever you wish. (Given that you don't weigh 0-20oz, 65-85lbs, or 165-865lbs, or look like Monica Lewinsky.) You can have sex by putting your ding-dong in a woman's doughnut hole and shaking it like Andre 3000. Remember to pull out, or Jesus will come to join!
All hope is not lost however, you still have your right hand.
Botanical explanation
Specifically, The Sex is the a sexual technique usually known as making whoopie, in which scientists believe the wee-wee must go into the woo-woo Simplifed Diagram of Wee-wee/Woo-woo Interaction on a 1999 series of US postage stamps commemorating the invention of sex.. The Sex is usually performed by human men on stoats, though a significant minority prefer little girls or little boys. According to an ancient superstition, performing The Sex on a girl is the only way to cure her of virginity, a disease usually caused by birth. However, The Sex can also transmit diseases far worse, including pregnancy and Roman Catholicism; in order to avoid these, the partners must find Jesus in their lives, accept Him as their personal Lord and Savior, and ask Him for a few dollars for a pack of condoms. The paranoid have also learnt from the Supreme court via Presidential decree that if the mans' thingy is not in the woman's thingy it is not sex. Hence ears, nose, mouth as an alternative.
The von Roogler (also for guys)
Upon finishing the deed, it is wise to remove the engorged penis and spit on the butt of your partner. She will believe you are finished, and as she turns around explode onto her face. Don't try this without gloves and a handy escape plan at the ready. This manuever is also known as the Houdini in some circles. Just don't stain her white frock
True facts
Sex is fun, especially with cats or dogs or cows or oxen or buffaloes or rabbits.
Group sex amplifies the circulating primordial energy, and it has been mathematically proven that for every extra person in an orgy, there is one less doughnut.
Sex for 300 minutes straight, when done 4-5 times a week is equivalent to running 75 miles every week! Sex up lardo!
Semen (not Siemens) contains everything necessary for a nutritionally sound diet. So suck up, ladies!
How To Be Sexy
A lot of people say sex is a state of mind. So if you're listening, Ann Widdecombe, just think sexy, ok? Also wear skin-tight clothing or revealing shirts.
Also, for women, it has been reported that approaching random men and offering oral sex can help a great deal with one's sex appeal
False Rumours
Sex is NOT a religion (and definitely NOT Catholic) Sex is NOT a profession Sex is NOT how people are born Alcohol does NOT lead to sex... but it helps Sex is NOT a father/son hobby Sex does NOT turn you into muscle man Sex does NOT make you a man nor does it make you a woman Sex DOES lead to foreplay Sex does NOT lead to regret Sex does NOT lead to peace in the Middle East Sex does NOT lead to a good life style, instead you get a whiney bitch and 3 little shit heads running around asking you stupid questions, until you get drunk one night and lock them in the basement. Sex is NOT fun, unless you're using protection. AROOGASPOOG
It is, in fact, true that sex is considered a type of kick in Stewie Griffin's mind. Y'know, this could exist in some foreign country. Wait, why are you looking at me, man? I don't know every foreign country, I mean gosh!
Sex Positions
The common known sex position 39 is when a man opens up his anus and simultaneously shoves into it a sharp object, such as a knife, after which he will die. Another common sex position is 99 which happens when an ice cream cone is shoved up one man's anus by his homosexual partner who then asks him to do the same, both end up dead sooner or later, that is unless you are immortal. A rare sex position is 6 where the poor man is left alone. Perhaps the rarest of all positions is the 9 where a woman cannot find a partner. There hasn't been a "9" reported in the last two decades, although it's rumored that one occurred with Hilary Clinton during Bill's first night at the Whitehouse. A more frequent position is the 96, usually performed amongst married couples, where both parties are lying in bed thinking the other's asleep and are secretly attempting to perform oral pleasures upon themselves. There is no such sex position as 69. You are all just sick, sick bastards. The infamous sex position 32.8 is where a man has a cocktail umbrella inserted into the end of his penis. This is painful enough if it wasn't for the fact that the partner then pushes the umbrella so that it forms the iconic umbrella shape but within the penis. It is only performed in certified brothels. Then there is the ever popular 68, where the man has an orgasm and informs the woman that he "owes her one".
